Friday, February 06, 2004

Meaning and Recognition

I get up every morning, go to school, come back home and do my homework. What's the big deal? Is that important? Why am I doing this? These are questions I ask myself all the time, day in and day out. I often feel that I'm just living a pointless existence and that real success is not how smart you are, how much money you have, or what your accomplishments are, but instead what other people think of you. I know, you're not supposed to think like that. You should only care about what those close and important to you think, or just what you think. But I can't help thinking that I'm just some kind of lemming that doesn't really matter and that I'm making somebody else wealthy and important. These are really depressing thoughts that are hard to get over.

In the beginning I was so happy to be doing something beneficial for myself, but now I feel that I'm not doing anything for myself. What's doing something for myself? It's trying to figure out how to use Dreamweaver MX2004, messing around with digital photos, or reading all the best books. I want to travel and learn on my own time, doing my own thing. To me, that is real meaning in life. Who cares what other people think of me as long as I get to do what I want?

But I can't do any of that. I'm stuck here going to school and doing my homework, which takes up all my free time. So instead, I want others to give me their attention for doing just that. Why on earth would someone want to be recognized for going to school? That's completely absurd! However, if I were to stop going to school, boy oh boy would I gain recognition for quitting. How come we get recognized for doing the wrong thing? Maybe being deviant in various ways is the only way to gain recognition. Young children throw fits when they want something, people dye their hair bright green for looks. I think it's society itself that chooses to focus on the bad and not the good. If you look in national American news there are plenty of unpleasant things that get recognition. Unfortunately, it's taking its toll on me, and I feel that my efforts are pointless and that quitting seems like a better path.

I guess I have some demons to battle with what little will I have left. I've been invited to join an academic honors society, which I have accepted, so maybe that will help my self-esteem for the time being.